Panic on the Slopes

We went skiing over the weekend. We went back up to Plattekill Mountain in Upstate New York. We hired the same instructor we had last time to guide us down the green slopes. Once you graduate the bunny hill the next step is the green slope. We were all pumped to try it out. 

This was not our first time on a chair lift.. but this was a lot longer and higher than the one I had been on before. Then I remembered some celebrity recently having their son falling off the chair lift and breaking their arm or leg.. 

The dismount was smooth.. last year, the last chair lift I had been on had a steeper dismount, D had ended up crashing into me and I had bent my knee in an odd angle.. the knee still hurts sometimes. So this was great.. a good start. The kids zoomed down the slope, fearless (so proud of them), the instructor had to remind them to slow down and wait for us. M was a little rusty on his turns.. the instructor commented on how well I was doing, better turns then the three boys, such great control. I am not a sporty person. I beamed at the compliment. But then I came to our first turn, I could see the over hang and I recalled someone else dying on the slopes after a head injury.. Natasha Richardson. And panic took over me. 

A couple of weeks ago a guy we knew.. not a friend per se, a couple of years older than me died in the Pcoconos. It wasn't a ski injury, he had a heart attack but all I could think of was his kids. I kept skiing.. it was a long trail.. took us over 20 minutes to get though.. our instructor could tell I was nervous. He was great.. 'You did it!' he said. The first time isn't always easy, I took a deep breath and we went up the chair lift again. 

The second time around the instructor stayed closer to me, the boys sped ahead. This time my panic was rising.. I lost all self confidence. I was on the verge of tears. I fell.. and then I fell again.. I think I fell five.. probably six more time. Our instructor encouraging.. soothing. I was on the verge of crying, I just couldn't do it here, in front of him, on a freaking mountain. I saw M at the foot of the mountain and started to bawl. Pretty sure I freaked the kids out too. We talked about it later that day. Not sure if they understood the complexity of it but they understood.

I sat out for the next round... but I couldn't let fear win. I wanted to give up. Not the sport for me, I could say.

When we were leaving there was an ambulance outside. Somebody got injured. What if it had been me. And I know that kind of thinking doesn't make sense.. people die everyday.. car accidents, planes crashes, walking down the street. 

We came back the next day and I got back on that chair lift. 

Went down the slope three more times but I was still frightened. No more crying... lots of deep breathing. I'm not going to be the mom who sits in the lodge while my family skis. And while there is nothing wrong with that.. I just don't want to be that person. 

By the time I hit the slopes for the fourth time I had lost the confidence again.. every time I picked up a bit of speed my brain was screaming at me.. I fell and tumbled twice. I was done. There was an ambulance outside again when we were leaving. 

We have tickets booked for President's Day weekend as well.. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I need my brain to shut up. Any tips on how to do that? 

We are back home now.. we have had almost 2 feet of snow and it's still coming down. Thankfully the schools called it a snow day.. not even virtual school. Phew.

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